Games You've Probably Already Played: New Super Mario Brothers

I grew up on platformers. They were fantastic back in the day. Games like Super Mario Brothers, Sonic, Jazz Jackrabbit, Commander Keen and the like were always enjoyable distractions from whatever else was going on in life.

But something changed. Things went all "3d" on us and with this change, the good old platformer withered and died. Oh, sure, we've got 3d platformers now, but no matter how good they may be, they will never match the simple fun of the old 2d kind.

Thanks must go to Nintendo for what they have done in New Super Mario Brothers. They've managed to utilise the DS to perfection to create an experience that helps me relive my childhood. Gone are all the new changes Mario has been forced with in recent years. No punching, water backpacks or the like. Just good old stomping, mushrooms, flowers, stars and the like. That's not to say that everything is the same as it was in the 80's. New items like the giant mushroom and the blue shell costume make for a very interesting game.

Why do companies have so much trouble making good games that allow us to reminisce about a far simpler time of gaming. They either just repackage the old games as a "classic" collection and take more of our cash, or revamp it so much that the end result is nothing even remotely similar to what we remember.

Please, if you loved the old platformer games of the 80's and 90's, go get a copy of New Super Mario Brothers.

Plugz!

I'd like to take this opportunity to remind all of you who may actually read this to go over to GregT's blog, The Dust Forms Words. He's currently writing on the 100 must-see films in his opinion and as always, is providing fantastic articles that create a good level of discussion.

Movie Review: The Count of Monte Cristo

Before I begin, I'd like to mention that the copy I saw was only The Count of Monte Cristo. I did not get to partake of the wonder of these other children's classics.

When you think of animation and it's high points, perhaps you think of Disney. Or Pixar, maybe? No, no, you poor poor, wretch. You need look no further than Goodtimes Home Video! They have found the finest public domain stories and using the finest in "three Koreans in a shed animation" technology, have brought us quite possibly the finest film ever made.

The Count of Monte Cristo!

From the fantastic minimalist beginning (who says you need a background to make a scene?), to the magical songs (some even include singing!), all the way to the thrilling and completely faithful ending, you will be on the edge of your seat with excitement.

Join Edmond Dantes (it's never just Edmond, always Edmond Dantes) as he is cruelly taken from his love Mercedes by way of a cunning plan. That plan, of course, is to steal a watch, place it in a carriage Mercedes has just left and Edmond Dantes was never in and then find the watch, thereby proving Edmond Dantes stole the item. Villainous!

After a daring escape from a prison island, our hero and his magic facial hair reunite with his closest friend, a cat names Louis who likes to sail and the plot to get revenge is on! Louis must find two honest servants for his master, so of course chooses a bumbling chef hanging out in shanty town who claims he is a five star chef and a young woman who pretends to be a boy.

Without giving the rest of this fantastic story away, I will say that Mercedes gets exactly what she always gets, I'm pretty sure nobody learns anything and pedophilia is apparently acceptable.

And I will leave you now with an example of the fantastic dialog within this film.

"Careful, Edmond, you may make enemies!"
"Hahahahahaaa! I have too many friends to care!"

I Make You Die With Steamy Electric Mek Bits Now CLack Clack Clack

That's right, I'm a corporate fucking sellout now. I've got me the Google ads. I in no way can encourage you to click on them.

No way at all.

No No Not Doing This No No No Run Away Run Away This Is My Special Run Away Song So I Do Not Get Killed By Scary Girl

Pay attention class!

Firstly, the intertubes has been graced by a new store. Go Camel Photography is run by JuliaB, also the redcap who scribbles on Go Camel the blog, so go and support some e-buisness, you fucks.

Also, that guy who claims he's not emo but has a disturbing collection of whiny, wrist-slitting nancy boy "rock", Raven, has a blog. Go visit it here.

I Fire You With Bullets Now

It seems to me as if the internet has shrunk. Think I'm crazy? Well, nuh-uh.

The whole "blogosphere", Facebook Digg etc. ways of making us connect are shrinking the enormity of the internet. Yes, those dark, hidden places are still there, but they're closer to the surface than ever before.

If you were there in the early to mid 90's, you might be getting an inkling of what I'm on about. Search engine we're spotty at best and took you to some odd sites. There were no massive social networking or video sharing sites to show us so much of what's out there. We used to venture forth and discover amazing and shocking things, strapping on our figurative pith helmets and wandering until we'd find something of worth or get trapped by a primitive tribe of "porn peddlers".

So, yeah, things are friendlier and easier. So fucking what? Where's the adventure? All the shit I want to look at is bookmarked for easy access. I rarely find anything on my own these days since every other fucker out there is sending me links all the bloody time.

I miss the danger. Why don't you? Too scred to venture forth from the Google-esque safety?

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!

Holy Crap!



Holy Fucking Crap!

Updates!!!!

Just so you know what I think on things:

1) Transformers wasn't a good film. Bits were good, but it wasn't a good film. And I'm being objective there.
2) Final Fantasy XII can lick my sweaty nutsack.
3) The X-Box 360 is the best console I have ever spent money on.
4) The Writers strike in Hollywood is fucking stupid. Thanks for fucking up Heroes, you fuckheads.
5) Year Zero by Nine Inch Nails may be the best album of last year. And I hated it to begin with.
6) Babies cook very quickly.
7) Stardust was good.
8) If you aren't looking forward to Iron Man, The Dark Knight and The Incredible Hulk, then fuck right off. They look keen as hell, even Hulk.
9) World of Warcraft is still addictive, but not as much as the 360.
10) Who else wants Rock Band?

Thing That Happened

As you may notice, I've got a picture of a cat. That's Mifune. He died last week. So we here say good bye to a whiny little bitch of a cat. He was still pretty keen.

But we have a new mascot! Stay tuned!

Fuck You, Potatoes!

We descend, ready to drag you back into the rambling hell that is Internal Collapse.

Get your adult nappies on, you scared man-children*.

We're back on the fucking air.

(*Yes, I'm including women in this. Gender equality and all.)

Till All Are One

Find out which Transformer you are at LiquidGeneration!

That's fucking right.

Time to Ascend

Where the fuck are the Doritos? I paid good money for those! I wants me the new TV seasons, you fucks! All the colours of the rainbow cannot match my infinite might.

All this and more is waiting for you behind the door.

Let's (Not) Go To The Movies!

I'm making this quick, since I am busy right now.

First up, Spider-Man 3.

If you haven't seen it yet, good. It is nothing but arse. I wouldn't take a dump on this film. People try to argue that X-Men 3 was worse, which is true, but nobody ever expected that to be any good. Spider-Man 3 was fucking awful for no reason. Bruce Campbell was awesome.

Bad special effects, stupid plots, too many characters. DANCE SCENE!






Now:


I thought Pirates 2 was pretty bad. So obviously I was expecting nothing from Pirates 3. But hip and indeed hurrah, it was pretty good. Not great, and certainly not as good as the first film, but still pretty good.

All I wanted was Chow Yun-Fat to do something. ANYTHING. Was that so much to ask for?






Last on the Block:


28 Weeks Later, the sequel to kick arse British horror film 28 Days Later was okay. I enjoyed it, as did the gnome who accompanied me, but afterwards it seemed odd as to why we liked it. So many things in the film were either badly done, ignored or unfinished. Large chunks of the plot actually required some theorising as to HOW an event could actually transpire.

One character can be summed up by one word: Medicine. Why's she here? Medicine. Why is she talking? Medicine. Why in the fuck would she do any of this? Could it be love, or friendship, hope, fear, stupidity or heroism? Nope, it's all for medicine!
Not too bad a film, though.

Now, back to something else.

Doug Nagy - King of the Rant

I may rant like a motherfucker, but I have nothing on this man. His name is Doug Nagy, comedian and one of the contributors to The Movie Blog.

Here is a transcript of his reaction to hearing that Paris Hilton's mother declared that Paris going t0 jail for 45 days was a failure of Justice.

"If there was justice, your fucking cunt daughter would be drowned in the river. How do you like that? And poor people would break down your house and kick the gold out of your cunt, you fucking slut! THAT'S JUSTICE! YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT JUSTICE? LET'S TALK ABOUT DISTRIBUTION OF WEALTH! YOUR FUCKING SLUT DAUGHTER'S DOING HARD TIME! LIVE WITH IT!"

I bow to him.

Person of the Week: Alec Baldwin

First off, I must say this. Fuck you, the media.

Honestly, what did Baldwin do? Got annoyed at his own child and called her a thoughtless little pig. Did he swear? Did he call her a whore? Did he hit her? Nope. Sometimes, kids don't do things and parents chastise them. He's only "at fault" because he's a celebrity and therefore apparently made of sunshine and can never be human.

Now, I don't know how the answering machine tape got leaked. Maybe his ex is telling the truth when she says it wasn't her. Perhaps she did do it as some act of vindictiveness against Mr. Baldwin. The point is that it getting released is going to fuck up the kid and that isn't okay. She should be launching a crusade to find out who did it and beat them senseless. The fact that this isn't happening doesn't look good.

So I announce Alec Baldwin (or Arec Bardwin for Kim Jong-Il) as the person of the week. Don't sweat it dude. You keep doing your thing.

Mascot!

Internal Collapse has an official Mascot! His name is Mifune, but he also answers to Captain Dumbarse. He is lazy and has no job. To be fair though, his job prospects are laughable without opposable thumbs.

Mock him, for his hairy, whining ways.

My Name is Phrancq: Politics

For quite some period of time, politics has been divided into the left and right. Liberalism versus conservative views. New thinking against the established path. Then things got muddled. Socialism. Communism. Fascism. Neo-Conservatives. Hippies. Now, whichever side you're apparently on means you must think the other side is evil.

Fuck that. There is evil, corruption and stupidity on all sides. Is a group evil, or are individuals in the group to blame? Shindler was a Nazi and since we're told ALL Nazis are evil, the doesn't that make him evil? Disney are known for their corporate villainy, but should we blame the person selling t-shirts at Disneyland just because Michael Eisner was a douche?

Take the Virgina Tech tragedy. The left were screaming about too many guns. The right about how this wouldn't have happened if there were more guns. Here's a novel idea. GUNS AREN'T THE ISSUE! The dude was fucked in the head. People occasionally snap. It could have happened with a pair of fucking hedge trimmers, for fucks sake! Politicians (and the public) all run around looking for something to blame, like gun control, music, video games, movies and TV as opposed to trying to finding out why something happened. If I were to do what the political wankers do, I would be branded as a nutjob.

"My work shirt isn't clean. Must be those damn supermarkets!"
"I got dumped. This wouldn't have happened if not for the smutty media!"
"A kid on the bus swore at me. Damn evil musicians filling their heads with violent intents!"

Listen folks. Teenagers are rebellious. Always have been, always will be. Music reflects the mood of the masses, not the other way around. People do fucked up shit to each other. Saw 2 was not responsible for any atrocity you can name. And sex on TV is not to blame for rape.

People are.

And to be honest, of course the politicians are going to point fingers at certain "easy scapegoats" instead of pointing out the obvious. We're to blame. We are horrible to each other in a lot of ways. We continue a society that doesn't even try to get to the root of the problem, because hell, that's one election promise that's pretty much impossible to keep. Much easier to look at the people on the other "side" of the debate and say whatever they belive is wrong and responsible for evil.

I get up every day and people irritate and sicken me. But I'm not exempt. I take part in this. We all do.

My Name is Phrancq, and I hate politics and the world.

Fucking Annoying Questions

Now it's your chance to probe my mind and feast on the information that flows forth like the knowledge zombies you are.

I shall be having an F.A.Q. from now on. Send a question, any question (almost) to InternalCollapse@gmail.com and I shall answer it with the intensity of the hatred towards Uwe Boll.

When I said almost, I meant this. I do not talk about my personal life here. You probably already know me. That's nice. If you want to know something personal about me, then call me or get stuffed.

Send those questions in. I will be looking for originality. But honestly, I'll take anything. I'm an attention whore.

Things Make Sense With Pudding

Consider this an update of various stuff, if you will.

I've been trying to play a lot of games when not opressed by "work". So following the example of another soldier in the fight against all things horseshit, GregT from The Dust Forms Words, I provide a quick recap of those games. And yes, some of them have been around for some time. Fuck you, I was poor until recently.

Jade Empire: Special Edition (PC) - Not a bad kung-fu RPG from Bioware. Let down by being too damn short (Bioware claim average playing time is 25 hours, but they like to fuck corpses so cannot be trusted) and a few bugs that they haven't even bothered to patch.

Trauma Centre (DS) - Surgery is fun. And hard.

Mario Kart DS (DS) - Just like every Mario Kart game. Fun and portable, but no real lifespan past a week or so.

Samurai Warriors 2: Empires (PS2) - If you already own Samurai Warriors 2, then this is only worth it if you want to play the tactical side. If all you want is mindless killing fun, Empires just has more to get in the way of that.

Final Fantasy XII (PS2) - Not horseshit per se, but not as good as a lot of people have been claiming. I found the combat kinda fun until about 6 this morning, when I realised it became repetitive and boring as Lonelygirl15. Plus for a game that comes off as style and not much substance, there's not as much style as, say, FFX. Or IX. Or VII. Or VIII, for that matter. Which hurts. I haven't come close to finishing it yet, but these are my thoughts now.

Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops (PSP) - Good Metal Gear fun so far, but let down by the hideous limitations of the Pungent Shit Paperweight.

Now, I say! On to other things.

As for TV, watch these shows. Or don't.

Heroes - Fucking watch it. Or you are a traitor to everything I refuse to fight and die for.

Battlestar Galactica - The new, good one. Not the one with the robot dog. It really is the best show on TV.

House - Very formulaic, but who cares when House is the most bitter, fucked up person on the screen.

Drive - Interesting premise, but not that important. Fox just canned it after a few episodes. I guess Nathan Fillion is out of a job again. If you see him on the street, give him a few few bucks and tell him I'll give him a job driving around the U.S. with me in a van, filming the weirdest shit we can find. I'm serious too.

The Chaser's War on Everything - See it before they are brutally raped and murdered by someone who finally snaps at their shit.

More posts on it's way. I promise no regular updates, but I will at least try to make an effort.

Sweet Mother of Cheese!

For the past few years, I've been trying to decide if I like the band Muse or not. I've recently decided that I do for two reasons.

Firstly, they have some good songs. The second reason is this. The film clip for their song "Knights of Cydonia" may just be the greatest film clip ever made. Who doesn't like an apocalyptic, kung-fu, sci-fi spaghetti western? It's like the worst moments of 70's cinema rolled into one. I half expected to see Britt Ekland run around.

Watch it, before the massive amounts of cheese cause this piece of awesome to collapse in on itself, killing us all in the process.

Movie Review: Hot Fuzz

Remember Shaun of the Dead? You liked it, didn't you? Hell, who didn't? Zombies and good British comedy, together at last. Writers Simon Pegg (also the star) and Edgar Wright (director) along with offsider Nick Frost made a slice of fried comedy gold. Even before Shaun, the team were part of the TV series Spaced which was also fucking awesome. So, given this track record, what did I hear a lot from people before the film came out?

"That's a stupid title. I don't want to see that."

How they fucking choked on their words. With Shaun, zombie horror and comedy combined. Hot Fuzz takes action cop films and adds the British humour and does it well.

The story follows Nicholas Angel (Pegg), a top London cop who is transferred to a tiny country town when his bosses decide he's making them all look bad. His no-nonsense style of policing doesn't work well in the quiet, friendly villiage, especially when things start to go horribly wrong.

If you're in the mood for a comedy, Hot Fuzz is the film for you.

300

This is still a fucking awesome trailer.

Prime's Gonna Sort Shit Out

Rodimus was a douche.

Digital Crack

Fuck you, Blizzard and World of Warcraft!

Why won't you let me play FFXII? Just for a bit. Please?


Release me from your fucking vice-like grip!

Changes

Internal Collapse will be changing somewhat in 2007. You're already seen the rejigged layout. Now it's time for change number two.

NO FUCKING DEMOCRACY.

You may remember I had the seal competition a while back. Lots of entries. Then I asked for votes.

Fuck that. I'm choosing the three best and changing them every now and then. I am, as always, right to do this.

Movie Review: Pan's Labyrinth

I saw this film a bit over a week ago and I've spent that time trying to think about what to write here. So I guess I'll keep this simple.

Go and see this film. Now, if possible. Pan's Labyrinth is possibly one of the most well made films I have ever seen. Director Guillermo del Toro (Blade 2, Hellboy) has crafted something amazing. It's not just a movie, it is art.

As for the plot, I'm not going to say more than Pan's Labyrinth is the story of Ofelia, a young girl who moves with her mother from the city into the countryside of Spain during the end of the civil war. What she finds there can't be explained without taking away some of this films brilliance.

Be warned though. This film is depressing. Soul crushingly so at times. But still, worth seeing over any other film currently out.